may 2024
may 1st
happy may day, workers of the world unite etc. i'm still toiling over job applications. im so bad at these. back in grade 10 careers class i almost failed because i just didn't turn in a resume, i just couldn't write it, my self-esteem was so bad that i couldn't figure out how to market myself. i'm much more confident now, as comes with time and life experience, but i still hate making a resume. but persevere i must, because money.
in other news, i want to work on a cosplay again, but i can't decide on a character. i'm thinking maybe mgs1 otacon, because i want to avoid wigs and we have similar hair lol
april 2024
april 24th
done my exams of my final year of undergrad. it would feel bittersweet but im already planning on doing a masters so i'll be back. now i need to go through the ardour of find a job for the next year OTL but for today im gonna do gay little chores and play metal gear ^_^
april 15th
i'm such a piece of shit, i had four months to do this paper and i'm doing it in the last 6 hours. i don't know why i do this to myself.
april 13th
haaaaah. behind on my essays, swamped with them really, but my focus is pretty much shot. and i have to write 20 pages by tomorrow OTL.
april 3rd
physically sick and behind on work but mentally not doing too bad. i saw end of eva in theatres two nights ago! the s2 series fight in person sent shivers down my spine. but the experience felt like it did the first time i watched EoE: i got really viscerally mad at the bit around the end where it veers into incel speech territory because it frames connection with other people exclusively as sexual contact with women, and thats such a reductive and misogynstic framework, but that framework is what forms the basis of eva like fundamentally its shinji's jounrey where asuka rei and misato are all female objects that exist in orbit to him, like its about why he can't connect with them (in a paradigm in which connection involves male sexual desire). i ended up at a taco bell for three hours after the movie complaining about how i loved 3/4 of it but it hamstrings its own social critique because anno doesn't see women as people.
anyway. i always do this thing where i'll fully open my soul and just say what i think and then when i get home i'm like "oh my god i was being such a weirdo why did i do that i was totally harshing the vibe" but like, i was with friends who chose to hang out with me knowing that i'm weird. i should trust that the people who say they want to be around me do actually want to be around me.
oh and this ones TMI but its my diary here okay. i feel like im like, transsexual but not fully transgender? like i like being a butch woman but i kind of actively hate having a vagina like... in sexual situations, even solo, i kind of desperately have to ignore my own body, and thats what leads me to like submerging myself in male fantasies and then feeling gross because they veer into misogyny and i also hate men but i need to be thinking of myself as the man. so moral of the story is i think i need a strap like for my mental health.
march 2024
march 27th
i'm dressed up really femme today. i feel weird about it. a combination of "i'm going to be seen as a real girl and i dont like it, i feel better knowing that my weirdness is immediately communicated by my appearance" and "i'm betraying the butch that i am most days". which, like. its my life! its me! im at the end of my laundry cycle and ran out of pants so today i'm wearing a skirt and blouse, that doesn't change who i am and how i present most days. it doesn't make me a liar, it certainly doesn't make me straight. i guess i'm just... since in my head most days im fighting to be myself, my big hairy weird masc self, that when i am pretty its like, giving in. like i've acquiesced to the pressure that says pretty is how i'm supposed to be. a lot of my pride rests in how i've learned to love being the opposite of what beauty commercials think i should be; in not looking like the girls around me. but i don't think building my identity off of contrarianism is the healthiest thing to do either. so i'm trying to be more comfortable with like, just being me and wearing whatever and not trying to weigh it in the cosmic balance of gender identity and transgressiveness. i'm just me, i'm always me. i also still have a scruffy beard and unshaven legs because thats just how i roll so its not like ive decided to be gender-conforming or something. but even if i was: who cares! i look pretty and thats cool, and when i go back to jeans and a hoodie tomorrow that will also be cool.
march 20th
just finished a yuri so tragic it has me fighting back tears (Kimi to Suzuru Utakata), and now i have to work on my paper for my graphic narrative class which i decided to do on Look Back and Goodbye Eri, both of which are also about loss, so i'm gonna be a crying mess tonight
march 18th
i keep joining forums or discord groups and then never saying anything cause i don't know the etiquette and i get worried. i feel like growing up just after the era of like forums and stuff being prevalent means i dont know how to interact with people casually online. or maybe its just a growing up thing, like, all of the online friends i have currently (not many) are ones that i met in groups that i joined as a 15 year old, so maybe you just lose the ability to fearlessly make friends when you get older. its taken me until my final year of uni to actually make friends here too.
in exciting news, End of Evangelion is having a north american theatrical release (!?!?!?!?!?) and its gonna be at the local independent theatres for three combined showings and im planning on going to all three, but they're the same week that they're also showing The Handmaiden (the best movie ever) and The Watermelon Woman (movie i've been meaning to watch) BUT its also my finals week SO. i have to work hard now so i can watch movie all week then (๑و•̀ω•́)و
march 15th
big big sigh. coming to you after fucking up big time on a midterm cause i didnt study and then having a complete debacle trying to print flyers for my sister's volunteer work. and after staying up till 2am having a melt down and posting about it on tumblr. but whatever, we live and we move on. deleted tumblr off my phone and im gonna stay off of it for as long as i can. i need to deconnect from the internet and actually focus on my real life.
march 13th
it's boiling outside. torn between feeling the "climate apolcalypticism" my prof accused me of yesterday and just enjoying the sun. it is nice how campus comes alive, like the students are lizards who only come out when they can bask.
march 9th
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 3/12 (went climbing last night ^-^)
i must actually get work done tonight... pray for me....
march 8th
i've been like frolicking in a field of flowers while the deadlines for getting my life together keep getting ever closer in the background. just had an awesome sandwich and went outside in a fancy outfit so i feel good, i just also know that as the day goes on and i don't do this essay(s) i'll feel worse and worse. cycle of student life. fucked up and evil that i graduate in 2 months. i've been so checked out i completely missed getting a grad photo done. i'm not very good at real life. my unceasing hedonism--which will be my downfall--has me eating delicious food and watching lolita fashion shows instead of applying for jobs. teehee.
february 2024
february 29th
HEAVEN'S KITCHEN: 2/12 i made a delicious grilled cheese and i mediocrely fried yams yesterday so i'm combining them into counting
february 27th
my obsession with accessorizing will be my downfall. i just bought little mass-produced chainsaw man charms instead of buying lunch. new new years resolution: stop purchasing.
february 26th
continuing the time-honored tradition of making cosmetic edits to this website instead of doing any of the mountain of schoolwork i have. none of this bodes well for my academic future but im finally happy with my homepage so yayyy.
february 24th
nyello everyone. i tried edibles for the first time and i have to say it was awesome. perfect dosage perfect environment spent three hours eating delicious ice cream and watching tiktoks that were so so funny. 10/10.
february 16th
i'm like physiologically incapable of doing work. i have an hour to write 1000 words and my hands hurt from rock climbing and my period emotions have me feeling the weight of my failures. i just wanna lay in bed and watch tekken.
february 14th
happy valentine's day. i've had a good day today, but for some reason i've been off this evening. "some reason" okay well as forementioned i am off my meds and now also on my period so for shit ass biochemical reasons i feel rather unwell, but not like seriously unwell. just off. kinda sad. my sister just finished watching the Our Man Bashir episode of DS9 and she said it sucks which makes me sad because i was hoping it would be gay. also im doing way worse in my geography class than i thought i was. oops. and that like actually matters now because grad school. sigh. i want to go to bed but i have to do a discussion post ← truly harrowing (sarcasm). also the new käärījä song i was really into is an entry for eurovision, the shit ass anti-palestinian contest. i mean, technically its a song for the national qualifiers, but 1) sanremo is uniquely independent as far as national qualifiers go and 2) ive not seen anything about käärījä making a pro-palestine statement like dargen d'amico did. so like, sucks that the song is so good when its gunning to be in a contest that celebrates war crimes.
february 12th
had an oopsie with my pharmacy so in two days i will actually be out of prozac. not excited. it was sanremo this weekend, and i keep listening to onda alta and tearing up... dargen d'amico is so fucking cool for actually going up and saying what NEEDS to be said about italy's fascist policy of murdering refugees.. i'm trying to think of things i can try to do...
february 2nd
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 2/12
i have an infinite amount of work to do for grad school application, job applications, and regular assignments but i am instead chilling, hanging out w friends, rock climbing, and spending over an hour trying to format an image on a page before saying "fuck it" cause i cant code
february 1st
aughghgh. the apprenticeship program i was going to apply for was cancelled the day it was supposed to launch, and now i'm meeting with my prof to talk about other options for next year. im stressed, i have no idea what to do and i always want to impress my prof so im nervous about showing up and being like "yeah i have no idea what im doing and am completely unprepared". but i'm the one who asked for advice, and it'll be good for me in the long run. mortifying ordeal and all that.
january 2024
january 28th
i keep browsing secondhand goods sites staring hungrily at all the figures but im trying so so hard to resist consumerism. i have got to get in to weird niche creative endeavours to fill this desire for novelty goods without paying shipping fees (and contributing to the carbon death of the earth etc). i wish there was more like in-person subculture stuff like zines... i mean there are still zines (i have a bunch & there's one that i preordered out there somewhere) but when i go on suruga-ya and look at the resident evil doujins and the guilty gear cosplay photobooks i yearn to experience those fancultures i missed out on by being born late. yet i must look forward to the future and resolve to foster my own community experiences. like building a gundam with my university club like we did last week :3c
january 24th
HEAVEN'S KITCHEN: 1/12 (kind of. i made an omelette and i'm counting it)
ughhhh adulting. i'm applying to an internship program next week so i'm meeting with career advisors and doing resume stuff and it suuuuucks. why can't i just show up and be myself and get hired. im charming.
january 12th
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 1/12
yay successful rock climb. also, man. i dont have an outlet for all the horrible sorrow & fear i feel watching the climate literally collapse around me. the rose bush outside is blooming. it snowed 5cm today and the entire city is panicking. just 10 years ago we used to get feet of snow and no one would bat an eye. it's like i'm in some sort of bizarro world because everyone is going around like "haha its so nice and warm! boy im glad its not cold!" and not going "OH MY GOD we've irrevocably changed the earth and seasons as we know it are gone, my children will never experience what i used to experience". it sucks major ass.
january 10th
school started again and its kicking my ass but we're surviving. i also have to apply to a job program like, yesterday, but boy i dont want to. its scary. i just wanna lay down and play mgs. also i decided to start going by vergil. vergil tiberius "lime" evilyurifan.
december 2023
december 30th
after some deliberation here are my 2024 QUESTS
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Complete Metal Gear Solid 1-3
BOCCHI THE JOCK: Go rock climbing once a month despite my fear of heights
BOCCHI LET’S ROCK: Attend one in-person fighting game tournament despite my social anxiety
HEAVEN’S KITCHEN: Cook a meal for myself once a month
LIVE LESS LIKE A DOG: Finish the Dostoyevsky short story collections I bought last year
december 23rd
had a dream where a texas-themed witch gave me the sickest jacket of all time. the front had little chibis of koishi komeiji (from touhou) and heihachi mishima (from tekken) roasting marshmallows together and the entire inside lining was this huge gold lineart mural of koishi. woke up mad that it wasnt real and in my room.
december 22nd
feeling gross and horrible. really need to be ritually purified or absolved in some fashion but unfortunately i have to finish this fuckass essay
december 19th
my mom had to go down to the city for another emergency laser eye surgery today. she had a third retinal detachment last week. the first two were resolved very well, she has blurrier vision in one eye but can still see. this one today seems like it went well too. i've been having some godawful menstruation, like im literally bleeding pints and ive ruined three pairs of pants. so, in all, ive been doing really shit on the whole getting-my-finals-done front, like, really shit. uh-oh not-good shit. and speaking of which spending time on this website is not helping.
december 17th
up and down lately. mostly down. fights with my sister. proscrastinated my way into extreme deadline crunch. but did good on my exam the other day and tonight i go back home to my parents for the winter break, so i'm looking forward to lounging on the couch with my mom and arguing about CNN (and i mean that genuinely!).
december 8th
wildly unproductive. & i tore a hole in my pants
december 7th
made grilled cheese today. pretty good. today's always burned into my mind as my childhood best friend's birthday. i haven't really talked to him since we went to different high schools in our town, let alone since we've both moved away for university. i hope he's doing alright. i hung out with him and his high school guy friends once and hated it. last i heard there was a rumour he's currently dating a high schooler. considering that he's turning 21 today i hope that's not true. old friends always feel like an open wound. it's like, your parents used to be second parents to me but we're never gonna see each other again. learned my lesson last year about trying to reconnect with people you drifted apart from for a reason. i tend to think, like, "if i had tried harder, if i had been there, i could have changed where they ended up", but that's a really condescending way to view someone else's life. i'm trying to change that. this got really melancholy, my day has actually been very good. slowly procrastinating my way through an essay that's going wayy better than the last one. also, grilled cheese.
december 2nd
every time you see me edit my website its because i'm avoiding doing work. final essays are hitting me hard and i am 'oobh i got plany off time'-ing too close to the sun. and yet, i still make little cosmetic edits instead of writing my essay on how geography influenced ancient greek history. i feel like my thesis is really weak, like i'm arguing that athens' poor farmland required them to expand by sea meaning that despite domestic democratic ideals they were inclined to empire from the start to meet growing resource needs, but like is that even related enough to geography? the paper's due tomorrow so i'm stuck with this thesis now anyway but i can feel my gpa dropping lmao. and now is when it actually matters since i want to apply to grad school next year. and still, i dick around online.
november 2023
november 21st
take a class on imperial russian history and take a shot every time someone says "backwards" or "asiatic", you'll die of alcohol poisoning. we've been talking about the 19th century intelligentsia this past week and i feel like i would have thrived as like a nepo baby intellectual. i could totally start a hegelian reading group, yknow?
...realizing that i am, in fact, a nepo baby intellectual. who plans on doing grad school. with my parents' money. at least i have the self-awareness not to call myself a communist? its still funny to me that mikhail "anarchist" bakunin inherited a huge estate, like, of course he did. ack, i have to finish this reflection on northanger abbey before my next class. and i ate my chicken fingers too fast T-T
november 20th
i have sooo much schoolwork to do (finals season -__-) but i'm not doing much of it. i played dnd for the first time yesterday! it was fun. i played a butch high-elf barbarian named cyrus.
november 15th
bad day today. i feel like a child.
