november 2024
november 26th
back from dallas! i had a lot of fun with my dad :3 we even went to a denny's. everyone was really nice, like people think canadians are nice but that's just because we say "sorry" instead of "excuse me". so many people in texas would say hello or help us with directions or ask about our day. also saw qanon people in real life at dealey plaza which was freaky. they acted like they were at an anime convention but for racism. a lot of the people at the jfk conference were surprisingly normal and down-to-earth. the only time my dad had to hold me back was when i overhead a guy being so so wrong about african history and european "advancement" that i got up to march over there and tell him how the malian empire had a university before most of europe. but overall i had fun.
november 19th
i've invented a new form of bedrotting i like to call "couchrotting". anyway i started playing signalis and i get it now. i understand. no other game has this visual sauce. in other news, i'm going to dallas with my dad in two days for a lee harvey oswald pilgrimage. my dad's been huge into jfk trutherism for years now and i say that affectionately, it's genuinely brought us closer because now he's into researching history and into criticizing american empire. like, getting into the jfk conspiracy theory has led my dad to also reading about the suppression of the black panther party and the injustice of the vietnam war and the american-directed destabilization of africa and south american and all of the other things the american state apparatus did in the 20th century, and i think this is all awesome. so we're going to dallas for the 23rd for a jfk conspiracy conference. my dad doesn't agree with a lot of the speakers and writers at this conference (because above all else he is a man driven by facts and evidence, so he likes reading stuff about like proven cia programs but has no patience for antivaxx pseudoscience) so we're going to go to play a game i like to call "withholding our true opinions on history and politics from the rest of this texan conspiracy conference". it doesn't help that my mom's super paranoid about us going to the states--and especially to texas--in the aftermath of the election. it also doesn' help that i'm the most instantly clockable dyke whos ever dyked. but i'm sure it will be fine and we'll have fun. doing a weekend trip with my dad will be fun regardless. and our plan to walk around retracing the route that lee harvey oswald took and going to the texas theatre and the record store he went to will be very fun for my little historical reenactment-liking ass. the only problem was that i told myself i would submit a draft of my grad school application statement before we left and boy howdy i haven't even started.
october 2024
october 21st
idk why i'm so bad at being a person. like, 'doing work' and 'having friends' have just always been a struggle for me. i'm turning 22 in like three weeks, i know i don't have any more time to spend bedrotting, but that's all i continue to do. literally every entry in this diary is about how i don't do things. i'm just clinging to the knowledge that when i did have a job last year i was, in fact, a go-getter at work. i just... don't have a job right now. and i haven't even started my grad school application. what i do have is 14 hours in Ace Attorney in 2 days and this beautiful website that i can never show anyone in my real life. whatever. moping isn't going to help. i just need to actually do something.
october 16th
back from greece! the last few days were an ordeal but it went better than any other trip with my grandparents so #WIN. everyone was snarky to me for being the only one who didn't speak greek so i have to learn greek now (on top of learning russian and italian and japanese. oops.) it was really nice being (mostly) offline for a while, i only used the internet to listen to podcasts and read batman fanfiction lmao. i've also decided to become a plane furry.
october 1st
happy october. im flying to greece for a week on sunday. its "not a vacation", i'm going with my mom and my grandfather to sort out legal stuff about potentially selling their property in greece. but i'm still going to have my fun. my uncle said i should try to do a day trip to ephesus since its not far from our island, and i would love love love to visit the temple of artemis there. the big debate is whether to sell my grandparents house in greece or for my family to inherit it. my grandparents used to spend half the year there, but they haven't gone since covid and now they're too old and they want to stay in canada where there's like, functioning hospitals (if something serious happend to them on the island they would literally just have to get airlifted to athens). i'm staying out of the decision, because as much as i want to tell my mom to keep it (its a tangible connection to the island my grandfather is from and all the stories he tells going all the way back from his lifetime to literal ancient times about our people on that island, its a chance to reconnect with the rest of the family who still lives there, its a property in fucking greece, etc) there are just too many practical downsides: going there is expensive and takes so long, my mom can barely get a weekend off work to begin with so taking weeks every year is pretty impossible (and thats before considering my disabled sister who requires full-time care), and you know, climate change is going to make this region uninhabitable in our lifetimes. so. i'm not gonna cast my hat in the ring. but i am going to try to soak up as much as i can while i have this My Summer Car-style adventure on the rural greek island where my grandfather grew up.
september 2024
september 20th
long time no anything. i continue to rot away. but anyway i'm almost done the epilogue for
Soundless and this horror visual novel has kicked ass. i wish some of the exposition revealed was worked a little more into the story rather than as a text dump addedndum but i like the story enough to not mind. i want to read more visual novels, the last one i tried was Ad astra, and it was good but i didn't get very far into it because 1) as aforementioned im a historical pedant and ive taken too many classes on ancient rome to be able to enjoy a space opera set on a pseudo-rome planet without my historical criticism brain activating and 2) i knew going in that this is a gay furry vn (obviously) but the story kind of relies on you being sexually attracted to the main character in order for the MC's attitude to really work but i dont like men so when the big sexy wolf guy asks you to brush out his coat i'm like "fuck off i'm not your servant why would i agree to this". anyway. Soundless is good, listen to its warnings though, and i hope to find more cool studios like milk+ visual.
august 2024
august 31st
the vocaloid song
Iron Maiden and Dreamy Princess got me interested in the story of elizabeth bathory, so i've been reading Rachael L. Bledsaw's thesis
No blood in the water: The legal and gender conspiracies against Countess Elizabeth Bathory in historical context and i like it a lot. it dispels the clearly hyperbolic elements of the tale (the bathing in blood, the hundreds of victims, her family being satanists) that were exaggerated in later folklore, but still goes over the accounts of her actual crimes, though it focuses heavily on the legal proceedings.
the invented mythical figure of bathory fascinates me. as a lesbian who worries about being some sort of inherent evil pervert, i find something really unnervingly compelling in this (very homophobic) narrative of lesbianism as a symptom of sexual sadism and murder. like, this portrayal of her is a woman who
desires women, wants they bodies and blood and bones, and as upsetting and homophobic that narrative is its also a little... freeing? i guess? not "freeing", but like... theres a recognition that this type of bone-chilling lust for women does exist. something something seeing yourself in the monster. but the problem is im also a historical pedant so i have to know how and where the folklore diverges from reality. and it seems like elizabeth bathory the person was a serial torturer but not any sort of lesbian vampire.
anyway i wanna do more diary entries like this where i just ramble about whatever the thing im into is. venting about my life is boring and mundane but random history rabbit holes are exciting.
august 24th
august has certainly been a month. i've been in a funk for most of it, feeling guilty about... everything, really. i keep thinking i don't deserve to live. but even though i don't deserve, i am alive, and my life is good. i saw shrek the musical with my best friends and ran around toronto having fun, i spent two weeks at home with my parents feeling warm and safe. still phenomenally unemployed but we're... trying? kinda? to change that? i'm just really slow at it.
july 2024
july 29th
found out yesterday that my cousin died. it still doesn't feel real. we just saw him last weekend. we went to the beach, i still have the shells i was going to put in a jar for him to give to his son. its just so unreal.
he was (was, past tense, isnt that crazy) my great-aunt and uncle's adopted son, he was the same age as my older sister. when i was a kid i thought he was the coolest teenager ever, i used to follow him around and grab onto his leg and try to get his attention. as he got older he started doing more drugs and got involved with gangs and completely fell out of contact. during that time he had a son, destroyed things with his parents, and went to prison. it was just this past year, just a few months ago that he came back to us. he was really different--the substance abuse, the trauma of incarceration and homelessness had left him with new disabilities, blood clots and unexplained seizures. but he was trying so hard to get his life back. he was working on sobriety, living in a halfway house, going to church and trying to make friends. aside from his parents we were the only ones who visited him. he was always so, so happy to see us. he kept telling me i had gotten so beautiful and smart since he had seen me as a kid. he loved meeting my sister's husband, he said they would make amazing parents and he wanted to be the first to know when they got pregnant. she's been pregnant for a few weeks but hasn't told the extended family yet, and now she'll never get to tell him. he'll never get to meet the baby. he'll never get to reconnect with his own son. it doesn't feel real. we still don't know how he died. his parents had seen him just the day before, and then the next morning they got a call with the news. i haven't even cried yet. i've been avoiding my friends texts because i don't want to burden them with venting but i dont know how to have a conversation that isn't "my cousin died. he was just here, and now he's not."
july 11th
this isnt news, but the two fundmental facets of my being have become apparent yet again: i am deeply emotional and unforgiveably lazy.
july 4th
i've been sucked back into xmen comics again. it feels like coming home.
july 1st
happy canada day and happy month 3 of unemployment. im tempted to just go back to my hometown and work at Shoppers again, where i know whats expected of me and how to do it. but my sister keeps telling me to keep trying to get a Career position in the city. not sure what i'm actually gonna do yet. but regardless i've been hanging out with friends and having fun.
june 2024
june 26th
the girl i was toiling over likes another girl, which i think has actually been good for me because it dispelled my self-centered fantasies. ive been in two relationships in my life and i was the problem in both of them so i think being single is the way to go lol. i should be more preoccupied with finding a job and surviving this heat.
june 14th
i keep toiling over trying to define my feelings. [REDACTED] underneath all of these asinine attempts to categorize myself is the fact that i'm sad, i'm sad for [REDACTED].
june 1st
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: 2/3
happy pride month etc. brain full of metal gear :) i think my problem is i enjoy the unemployed lifestyle a little too much
may 2024
may 21st
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: 1/3
BOCCHI LET'S ROCK: 1/1
super busy weekend! went to mikuexpo, which had many trials and tribulations (didnt get a lightstick, seethed with envy, spent hours waiting in the sun, they didnt play rolling girl) but was so so worth it, it was magical. and then for the next three days i was at Get On My Level 2024, a huge smash/fgc tournament in toronto. so every day for four days i was taking the 2 hour bus-train-subway ride into downtown toronto. but it was funnnn i didnt get to play any games because we didnt bring ps5 compatible controllers (RIP T-T) but i saw awesome games and hung out in a cool crowd and saw hungrybox throw a chair live which was cool. but now after my dreamlike extra-long weekend i must begrudgingly return to real life and to the job search grind... once i can tear myself away from mgs2 because oh my god its so good
may 1st
happy may day, workers of the world unite etc. i'm still toiling over job applications. im so bad at these. back in grade 10 careers class i almost failed because i just didn't turn in a resume, i just couldn't write it, my self-esteem was so bad that i couldn't figure out how to market myself. i'm much more confident now, as comes with time and life experience, but i still hate making a resume. but persevere i must, because money.
in other news, i want to work on a cosplay again, but i can't decide on a character. i'm thinking maybe mgs1 otacon, because i want to avoid wigs and we have similar hair lol
april 2024
april 24th
done my exams of my final year of undergrad. it would feel bittersweet but im already planning on doing a masters so i'll be back. now i need to go through the ardour of find a job for the next year OTL but for today im gonna do gay little chores and play metal gear ^_^
april 15th
i'm such a piece of shit, i had four months to do this paper and i'm doing it in the last 6 hours. i don't know why i do this to myself.
april 13th
haaaaah. behind on my essays, swamped with them really, but my focus is pretty much shot. and i have to write 20 pages by tomorrow OTL.
april 3rd
physically sick and behind on work but mentally not doing too bad. i saw end of eva in theatres two nights ago! the s2 series fight in person sent shivers down my spine. but the experience felt like it did the first time i watched EoE: i got really viscerally mad at the bit around the end where it veers into incel speech territory because it frames connection with other people exclusively as sexual contact with women, and thats such a reductive and misogynstic framework, but that framework is what forms the basis of eva like fundamentally its shinji's jounrey where asuka rei and misato are all female objects that exist in orbit to him, like its about why he can't connect with them (in a paradigm in which connection involves male sexual desire). i ended up at a taco bell for three hours after the movie complaining about how i loved 3/4 of it but it hamstrings its own social critique because anno doesn't see women as people.
anyway. i always do this thing where i'll fully open my soul and just say what i think and then when i get home i'm like "oh my god i was being such a weirdo why did i do that i was totally harshing the vibe" but like, i was with friends who chose to hang out with me knowing that i'm weird. i should trust that the people who say they want to be around me do actually want to be around me.
oh and this ones TMI but its my diary here okay. i feel like im like, transsexual but not fully transgender? like i like being a butch woman but i kind of actively hate having a vagina like... in sexual situations, even solo, i kind of desperately have to ignore my own body, and thats what leads me to like submerging myself in male fantasies and then feeling gross because they veer into misogyny and i also hate men but i need to be thinking of myself as the man. so moral of the story is i think i need a strap like for my mental health.
march 2024
march 27th
i'm dressed up really femme today. i feel weird about it. a combination of "i'm going to be seen as a real girl and i dont like it, i feel better knowing that my weirdness is immediately communicated by my appearance" and "i'm betraying the butch that i am most days". which, like. its my life! its me! im at the end of my laundry cycle and ran out of pants so today i'm wearing a skirt and blouse, that doesn't change who i am and how i present most days. it doesn't make me a liar, it certainly doesn't make me straight. i guess i'm just... since in my head most days im fighting to be myself, my big hairy weird masc self, that when i am pretty its like, giving in. like i've acquiesced to the pressure that says pretty is how i'm supposed to be. a lot of my pride rests in how i've learned to love being the opposite of what beauty commercials think i should be; in not looking like the girls around me. but i don't think building my identity off of contrarianism is the healthiest thing to do either. so i'm trying to be more comfortable with like, just being me and wearing whatever and not trying to weigh it in the cosmic balance of gender identity and transgressiveness. i'm just me, i'm always me. i also still have a scruffy beard and unshaven legs because thats just how i roll so its not like ive decided to be gender-conforming or something. but even if i was: who cares! i look pretty and thats cool, and when i go back to jeans and a hoodie tomorrow that will also be cool.
march 20th
just finished a yuri so tragic it has me fighting back tears (Kimi to Suzuru Utakata), and now i have to work on my paper for my graphic narrative class which i decided to do on Look Back and Goodbye Eri, both of which are also about loss, so i'm gonna be a crying mess tonight
march 18th
i keep joining forums or discord groups and then never saying anything cause i don't know the etiquette and i get worried. i feel like growing up just after the era of like forums and stuff being prevalent means i dont know how to interact with people casually online. or maybe its just a growing up thing, like, all of the online friends i have currently (not many) are ones that i met in groups that i joined as a 15 year old, so maybe you just lose the ability to fearlessly make friends when you get older. its taken me until my final year of uni to actually make friends here too.
in exciting news, End of Evangelion is having a north american theatrical release (!?!?!?!?!?) and its gonna be at the local independent theatres for three combined showings and im planning on going to all three, but they're the same week that they're also showing The Handmaiden (the best movie ever) and The Watermelon Woman (movie i've been meaning to watch) BUT its also my finals week SO. i have to work hard now so i can watch movie all week then (๑و•̀ω•́)و
march 15th
big big sigh. coming to you after fucking up big time on a midterm cause i didnt study and then having a complete debacle trying to print flyers for my sister's volunteer work. and after staying up till 2am having a melt down and posting about it on tumblr. but whatever, we live and we move on. deleted tumblr off my phone and im gonna stay off of it for as long as i can. i need to deconnect from the internet and actually focus on my real life.
march 13th
it's boiling outside. torn between feeling the "climate apolcalypticism" my prof accused me of yesterday and just enjoying the sun. it is nice how campus comes alive, like the students are lizards who only come out when they can bask.
march 9th
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 3/12 (went climbing last night ^-^)
i must actually get work done tonight... pray for me....
march 8th
i've been like frolicking in a field of flowers while the deadlines for getting my life together keep getting ever closer in the background. just had an awesome sandwich and went outside in a fancy outfit so i feel good, i just also know that as the day goes on and i don't do this essay(s) i'll feel worse and worse. cycle of student life. fucked up and evil that i graduate in 2 months. i've been so checked out i completely missed getting a grad photo done. i'm not very good at real life. my unceasing hedonism--which will be my downfall--has me eating delicious food and watching lolita fashion shows instead of applying for jobs. teehee.
february 2024
february 29th
HEAVEN'S KITCHEN: 2/12 i made a delicious grilled cheese and i mediocrely fried yams yesterday so i'm combining them into counting
february 27th
my obsession with accessorizing will be my downfall. i just bought little mass-produced chainsaw man charms instead of buying lunch. new new years resolution: stop purchasing.
february 26th
continuing the time-honored tradition of making cosmetic edits to this website instead of doing any of the mountain of schoolwork i have. none of this bodes well for my academic future but im finally happy with my homepage so yayyy.
february 24th
nyello everyone. i tried edibles for the first time and i have to say it was awesome. perfect dosage perfect environment spent three hours eating delicious ice cream and watching tiktoks that were so so funny. 10/10.
february 16th
i'm like physiologically incapable of doing work. i have an hour to write 1000 words and my hands hurt from rock climbing and my period emotions have me feeling the weight of my failures. i just wanna lay in bed and watch tekken.
february 14th
happy valentine's day. i've had a good day today, but for some reason i've been off this evening. "some reason" okay well as forementioned i am off my meds and now also on my period so for shit ass biochemical reasons i feel rather unwell, but not like seriously unwell. just off. kinda sad. my sister just finished watching the Our Man Bashir episode of DS9 and she said it sucks which makes me sad because i was hoping it would be gay. also im doing way worse in my geography class than i thought i was. oops. and that like actually matters now because grad school. sigh. i want to go to bed but i have to do a discussion post ← truly harrowing (sarcasm). also the new käärījä song i was really into is an entry for eurovision, the shit ass anti-palestinian contest. i mean, technically its a song for the national qualifiers, but 1) sanremo is uniquely independent as far as national qualifiers go and 2) ive not seen anything about käärījä making a pro-palestine statement like dargen d'amico did. so like, sucks that the song is so good when its gunning to be in a contest that celebrates war crimes.
february 12th
had an oopsie with my pharmacy so in two days i will actually be out of prozac. not excited. it was sanremo this weekend, and i keep listening to onda alta and tearing up... dargen d'amico is so fucking cool for actually going up and saying what NEEDS to be said about italy's fascist policy of murdering refugees.. i'm trying to think of things i can try to do...
february 2nd
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 2/12
i have an infinite amount of work to do for grad school application, job applications, and regular assignments but i am instead chilling, hanging out w friends, rock climbing, and spending over an hour trying to format an image on a page before saying "fuck it" cause i cant code
february 1st
aughghgh. the apprenticeship program i was going to apply for was cancelled the day it was supposed to launch, and now i'm meeting with my prof to talk about other options for next year. im stressed, i have no idea what to do and i always want to impress my prof so im nervous about showing up and being like "yeah i have no idea what im doing and am completely unprepared". but i'm the one who asked for advice, and it'll be good for me in the long run. mortifying ordeal and all that.
january 2024
january 28th
i keep browsing secondhand goods sites staring hungrily at all the figures but im trying so so hard to resist consumerism. i have got to get in to weird niche creative endeavours to fill this desire for novelty goods without paying shipping fees (and contributing to the carbon death of the earth etc). i wish there was more like in-person subculture stuff like zines... i mean there are still zines (i have a bunch & there's one that i preordered out there somewhere) but when i go on suruga-ya and look at the resident evil doujins and the guilty gear cosplay photobooks i yearn to experience those fancultures i missed out on by being born late. yet i must look forward to the future and resolve to foster my own community experiences. like building a gundam with my university club like we did last week :3c
january 24th
HEAVEN'S KITCHEN: 1/12 (kind of. i made an omelette and i'm counting it)
ughhhh adulting. i'm applying to an internship program next week so i'm meeting with career advisors and doing resume stuff and it suuuuucks. why can't i just show up and be myself and get hired. im charming.
january 12th
BOCCHI THE JOCK: 1/12
yay successful rock climb. also, man. i dont have an outlet for all the horrible sorrow & fear i feel watching the climate literally collapse around me. the rose bush outside is blooming. it snowed 5cm today and the entire city is panicking. just 10 years ago we used to get feet of snow and no one would bat an eye. it's like i'm in some sort of bizarro world because everyone is going around like "haha its so nice and warm! boy im glad its not cold!" and not going "OH MY GOD we've irrevocably changed the earth and seasons as we know it are gone, my children will never experience what i used to experience". it sucks major ass.
january 10th
school started again and its kicking my ass but we're surviving. i also have to apply to a job program like, yesterday, but boy i dont want to. its scary. i just wanna lay down and play mgs. also i decided to start going by vergil. vergil tiberius "lime" evilyurifan.
december 2023
december 30th
after some deliberation here are my 2024 QUESTS
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: Complete Metal Gear Solid 1-3
BOCCHI THE JOCK: Go rock climbing once a month despite my fear of heights
BOCCHI LET’S ROCK: Attend one in-person fighting game tournament despite my social anxiety
HEAVEN’S KITCHEN: Cook a meal for myself once a month
LIVE LESS LIKE A DOG: Finish the Dostoyevsky short story collections I bought last year
december 23rd
had a dream where a texas-themed witch gave me the sickest jacket of all time. the front had little chibis of koishi komeiji (from touhou) and heihachi mishima (from tekken) roasting marshmallows together and the entire inside lining was this huge gold lineart mural of koishi. woke up mad that it wasnt real and in my room.
december 22nd
feeling gross and horrible. really need to be ritually purified or absolved in some fashion but unfortunately i have to finish this fuckass essay
december 19th
my mom had to go down to the city for another emergency laser eye surgery today. she had a third retinal detachment last week. the first two were resolved very well, she has blurrier vision in one eye but can still see. this one today seems like it went well too. i've been having some godawful menstruation, like im literally bleeding pints and ive ruined three pairs of pants. so, in all, ive been doing really shit on the whole getting-my-finals-done front, like, really shit. uh-oh not-good shit. and speaking of which spending time on this website is not helping.
december 17th
up and down lately. mostly down. fights with my sister. proscrastinated my way into extreme deadline crunch. but did good on my exam the other day and tonight i go back home to my parents for the winter break, so i'm looking forward to lounging on the couch with my mom and arguing about CNN (and i mean that genuinely!).
december 8th
wildly unproductive. & i tore a hole in my pants
december 7th
made grilled cheese today. pretty good. today's always burned into my mind as my childhood best friend's birthday. i haven't really talked to him since we went to different high schools in our town, let alone since we've both moved away for university. i hope he's doing alright. i hung out with him and his high school guy friends once and hated it. last i heard there was a rumour he's currently dating a high schooler. considering that he's turning 21 today i hope that's not true. old friends always feel like an open wound. it's like, your parents used to be second parents to me but we're never gonna see each other again. learned my lesson last year about trying to reconnect with people you drifted apart from for a reason. i tend to think, like, "if i had tried harder, if i had been there, i could have changed where they ended up", but that's a really condescending way to view someone else's life. i'm trying to change that. this got really melancholy, my day has actually been very good. slowly procrastinating my way through an essay that's going wayy better than the last one. also, grilled cheese.
december 2nd
every time you see me edit my website its because i'm avoiding doing work. final essays are hitting me hard and i am 'oobh i got plany off time'-ing too close to the sun. and yet, i still make little cosmetic edits instead of writing my essay on how geography influenced ancient greek history. i feel like my thesis is really weak, like i'm arguing that athens' poor farmland required them to expand by sea meaning that despite domestic democratic ideals they were inclined to empire from the start to meet growing resource needs, but like is that even related enough to geography? the paper's due tomorrow so i'm stuck with this thesis now anyway but i can feel my gpa dropping lmao. and now is when it actually matters since i want to apply to grad school next year. and still, i dick around online.
november 2023
november 21st
take a class on imperial russian history and take a shot every time someone says "backwards" or "asiatic", you'll die of alcohol poisoning. we've been talking about the 19th century intelligentsia this past week and i feel like i would have thrived as like a nepo baby intellectual. i could totally start a hegelian reading group, yknow?
...realizing that i am, in fact, a nepo baby intellectual. who plans on doing grad school. with my parents' money. at least i have the self-awareness not to call myself a communist? its still funny to me that mikhail "anarchist" bakunin inherited a huge estate, like, of course he did. ack, i have to finish this reflection on northanger abbey before my next class. and i ate my chicken fingers too fast T-T
november 20th
i have sooo much schoolwork to do (finals season -__-) but i'm not doing much of it. i played dnd for the first time yesterday! it was fun. i played a butch high-elf barbarian named cyrus.
november 15th
bad day today. i feel like a child.
